Take Care

This week I’m going to blog about things that are really personal. Sorry in advance if this sounds like a diary entry. This post is all about taking care of yourself. What I have learned in the past year is I have to take the time to stop what I’m doing in intense situations and assess how I feel. Lately, I have been feeling beat down and frustrated with some of my life choices. I feel trapped somewhere I cannot leave. This feeling has gradually gotten worse  with thoughts of doubt and failure. A week ago, I had a mild panic attack that was brought on by overthinking, anxiety and caffeine. I had to stop what I was doing, listen to nothing and breathe. I was worried and fearful of things happening at my job and concerned that I had made the biggest mistake. Am I meant to be a librarian? Have I done all of this in vain? Should I quit and try to a different career? Is it just me or is it always this way? Questions like these have been on my mind for months and I feel like they are only getting louder with time. I feel like I am not good enough and that I won’t be someone who will accomplish all of their goals. I feel like the ambition I had a couple years ago has dimmed by wrong decisions and opinions of me. Mostly, I feel like I am trying so hard, and it’s just not enough. Feeling this way, this helpless quarter-life crisis stupidity is not like me at all. It’s hard to see yourself act this way and feel like you have no choice.

What do I do to get rid of these feelings? I take long walks, I listen to audiobooks so I can’t think, I sew, I take fun bath bomb baths, I read. These are my coping mechanisms that I have learned to use when I can’t stop the negative thoughts. These activities remind me to take care of myself and even reward myself for not giving up. The problem I face is that I am too stubborn and determined to give up. I have to power through and try. I cannot give up on something I know is so close and so mine. I have to remember to love myself and take care. It’s so easy to give up and give in, but it’s even harder to stay motivated and driven. After the panic attack and tears, I rewarded myself for being strong and not forget what it felt like to be so blue. I hope that those of you who have struggled with feelings can relate. The best practice for me is to remind myself how creative, intelligent and loving I can be and that I have people who care about me. Sometimes reaching out to them helps me vent about these feelings and move along. Knowing that I have a support system of friends and family that will let me chat their ears off helps. Taking care of each other and yourself is important, but also a little wine always does the trick. If not, do what helps you remember to take care.